Musings

A Chameleon’s True Color

More often than not, I find myself sloughing off my current identity for a new one. This is not unusual for the age in which we live, the Generation X of which I am a part, the world in a constant state of flux. A state of no change has always meant death, but now more so than ever, even a resistance to change brings you pretty darn close. I have changed my colors so many times I don’t even remember my color – even in the literal sense. Someone recently asked me what my favorite color was and I had to come up with one on the spot. It occurred to me at the time, that it was definitely not my answer the last time but I couldn’t remember what the real answer was, or even if there was one at all. There is at least one difference between me and the chameleon though: every time I change color it hurts. Sure I recover and I am stronger and more experienced, yaddi yaddi yadda and all that jazz, but the nicks begin to accumulate into gashes before they have time to scar. Is it possible to reach a limit? A change threshold? Because I think I have reached it. But what does one do? How can I be true to myself and be proud of who I am when I have forgotten who that is?

I recently had a rather mundane experience that nevertheless illustrates my dilemma, or at least in my twisted head it does. As you may or may not be in the loop, due to my recent social media update dead zone, I decided to leave France at the end of my first year at cooking school because I discovered that it was, to put it diplomatically, not a mutually beneficial relationship. I have now moved to Slovenia, an itty bitty, chicken shaped country that I used to think was somewhere in Eastern Europe, but have recently discovered that it is in fact in Central Europe and a very developed country to boot, yay! Now for the question you must all be asking, why Slovenia? Well, to cut the proverbial long story short, it’s probably the only reason a (fill in the blank with the appropriate foreign nationality) immigrates to Slovenia –  I fell in love with a Slovene. For the über fascinating story on how we met look out for a future post “How we met” that I will definitely write someday now that I’ve promised you here.

Anyways, back to the story at hand. Shortly after my arrival I got myself a sim card. I had to fiddle with it for ages and sort through a pretty hefty manual (for a sim card that usually just requires one to insert it into the phone) but finally, I managed to locate the the pin to unlock the card and though my phone refused to show me my phone number where it usually would under settings, I again sifted through the papers, located my number and wrote it down for safekeeping. After it was all done I took the papers and chucked them all away, because as a figurative chameleon I need to avoid all encumbrances so I am always sorting through my stuff and getting rid of what I deem unnecessary. I am proud of my highly honed sense of how to de-clutter one’s life because it usually is a very good skill to have, except of course, when it’s not. Case in point, amid the pile of paper work I ceremoniously threw in the bin, was the pin that I needed should I ever turn off my phone. I was working off of 3 incredibly wrong assumptions: firstly my phone never goes off, secondly, I was under the impression that once unlocked, the SIM would stay unlocked, thirdly, pins lost can always be recovered somehow, like forgotten passwords. While I never do turn off my phone, it can turn off against my will if for instance it runs of of batteries or I drop it. As Murphy’s law would have it, I did indeed drop the phone not even a week after I got the new SIM, causing the battery to disengage and locking once again the SIM. As we already established, my other assumptions were false, rendering my new SIM totally useless.

Why would you throw that away? My man, who has to think really hard and long before he throws anything away, a characteristic that usually really annoys me because it clutters up our tiny apartment with stuff I deem unnecessary, looked at me with wide eyed wonder. As I listed for him the reasons, I realized that when I said them aloud, they seemed kind of silly and I all of a sudden hated my pathological compunction to get rid of things.  If I’m totally honest, it isn’t the first time or even the fifth time I’ve thrown away something important. In fact this wasn’t even that important – it was a mistake that costs 11 euros and another trip to the mall. The real reason why I was so irrationally angry with myself was because I didn’t want to be like this anymore. 

This one little thing, though it was mildly annoying, frustrated the hell out of me because it symbolized everything that being a chameleon had meant for my life. The things I’ve sacrificed or simply discarded but later regretted it, the paths chosen that prevented other paths from being chosen – that in choosing this life of excitement and change, I missed out on a life that could have involved settling down with a family of my own and building a more one-dimensional but solid career.

Sometimes I lay awake at night or I wake up in cold sweat because I am resisting change with every cell in my body, but I can’t because nature won’t allow it. I want to pick a face and never take it off but I am worried I don’t have the right one on. I have put on so many faces that I fear I have misplaced or even discarded the right one in triage. I live in a state of fear that I am missing something critical, and that it may be something other than just the right face. I fear that my reasoning process is full of holes and that I will discover only too late, something that I let go of is irrevocably gone. We live in an age of information where everything is a mouse click away, but how can we recover something that has no search parameters or something for which no search engine yet exists? I rack my brain, hoping that the solution will hit me – a way to recover everything so that I can have peace of mind, but to no avail. Is it gone forever, like data in a hard drive smashed beyond repair?

What does a chameleon do to sit on a leaf and avoid becoming green? If it managed that, what color would it be then?

Advertisements

About Jean C Wong

I am a world traveler, writer, photographer, and teacher. I've lived all over the world and speak 5 languages.

Discussion

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

Instagram

Last morning of the 4 week youth series at @tszshanmonastery . Beautiful morning sunrise yoga and seriously the most delicious vegan char siu bao I have ever tasted. Yummy breakfast, gorgeous ✌️!
In Yoga Asana as in life, we all have weak areas that we can identify where we most need to focus our tapas or work on. For me, it’s internal rotation. Experimenting and moving gently this morning I found a sweet spot in half reclining hero. My body is afraid of it and I have been subconsciously avoiding it. Time to tap into my resistance and live consciously, with a growth mindset. Find your resistance and melt into it with joy. #faceyourfear #openup #virasana #tapas #letgo #practiceyoga #yogais #growth #consciousliving #findyoursweetspot 📷: @babnikmatt
I love Martha and her gongs. She puts her heart and soul into every performance and made it her mission to share gong therapy with the world. I truly admire her dedication and devotion to her mission. If you’re in Hong Kong make sure you pay a visit to @reddoorsstudio or go to one of her events. It’s truly an epic experience! Not affiliated with Red Doors- just a happy customer ❤️😍 #gong #soundtherapy #goodvibes #healing #vibration #sound #om #alignment #chakra
On a rainy day embrace the rain and play. Or stay dry and share your umbrella with your friends. As many as you can fit under it .......... 🌧 ☔️ 👭 .......... #rainydays #rainyseason #share #friends
What a setup of yin and yang style singing bowls for powerful healing sound therapy. With the strong vibrations your mind and body immediately feel the benefit. For me the rewards of Asana are greater but more gradual and carry different and more profound benefits. But sometimes we’re just plain bear and need a little pick me up. This is where sound therapy, steam sauna, sattvic music, or float can help. Just relax and let yourself heal. #wow #singingbowl #soundtherapy #🙏 #powerofsound #om #healing #chakra #tuneup #energy #energyhealing #sound
Excited to join @biteunite and @sharedspacehk for this exciting collaborative event on Sunday. #movement #parkour #brunch #fitness #fun #familyfriendly #hkmovement #move Reposted via: Bite Unite JOIN US FOR PARKOUR THIS SUNDAY! 🤸🏻‍♂️💥 Once again, we’re teaming up with our wonderful friends at @sharedspacehk to bring you a FUN, ACTIVE morning of fitness and food! We will start with a 60 minute outdoor movement class, including stretches and simple parkour movements, and end with a delicious spread of healthy goodies, prepared by chef Catherine of @puravidahkg Hong Kong and Chef Mia of @tizzyshots This event is suitable for ladies and gents of all ages and fitness levels. Please make sure to wear shoes you can run and jump in, and a towel for afterwards! RSVP NOW ON BITEUNITE.COM (go to the event page!)
Good Morning Hong Kong 🇭🇰 !!! If you haven’t yet signed up for the 30 Day Challenge with @babnikmatt over at @sharedspacehk , head over to his profile (link in bio) and do it now. Don’t miss this chance to jumpstart your day with an energising morning practice. One week left! The countdown begins... #betterthancoffee #wakeup #yogaprogress #yogapratice #practice #yogateacher #om #practiceandalliscoming #instayoga #🤸🏻‍♂️ #hkyoga #boysofyoga #yoga #yogi #🧘🏻‍♂️ #yogaboy #yogapose #yogisofinstagram #yogaeverydamnday #yogaeverywhere #yogaeveryday #dailyyoga #yogalove #iloveyoga #yogagram #fitness #health #progressnotperfection #teacherlove #🕉
FREEDOM: Yoga teaches me how to break free from the patterns of my past and those of previous generations. When I got on my mat for the first time I felt relief to finally be able to do something real and take the first steps to breaking free. @yogaglo #yogais #internationalyogaday @amyippoliti #🙏 #moksha #freedom
Thanks to @sh1nhui for taking such good care of the kiddos while mama got to enjoy the singing bowl healing and meditation. 🧘🏻‍♀️ #🙏 #mademyday #teacherlove #❤️ #happyyogaday
Delicious coconut 🥥 smoothie family date to seal our afternoon on International Yoga Day. Thanks @babnikmatt for joining me on this amazing yoga journey 5 years ago. We’ve come a long way. I ❤️U! #internationalyogaday #crossculture #family #familygoals #teatime #thaifood #coconut
Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: